Why Connection Is the Key: Parenting Beyond Behavior and Into the Heart
As a parenting coach, I often hear the same question asked in different ways:
“Why won’t my child listen to me?”
“Why do they care more about what their friends think?”
“What happened to the close relationship we used to have?”
In my recent conversation with Todd Sarner — psychotherapist, parenting coach, and former faculty member at the Neufeld Institute — we explored this very struggle. His insights, grounded in decades of attachment-based work and the teachings of Hold On to Your Kids by Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Maté, spoke directly to what so many parents are silently wrestling with: a growing disconnection from their children.
And the truth is, it’s not about doing more. It’s about reclaiming your role as the anchor in your child’s world.
Peer Orientation: When Friends Replace Family
One of the most powerful themes in Hold On to Your Kids is the concept of peer orientation — the shift that happens when children begin to look to their peers, rather than their parents, for direction, identity, and belonging.
It’s not just a phase.
It’s a redirection of attachment.
Children are wired for attachment — it's how they feel safe, seen, and secure. If they don’t feel that connection at home (even unintentionally), they will find it elsewhere. And today, with the rise of social media and peer-driven culture, it’s easier than ever for that shift to happen.
Todd shared that one of the most important things a parent can do (even if the relationship feels strained or distant) is to begin rebuilding attachment on purpose.
He reminded us:
“The number one determinant in a child’s behavior isn’t discipline. It’s connection.”
“Collect Before You Direct” — A Parenting Shift
Todd introduced a phrase I’ve come to love and is similar to what I’ve said before in my podcast: “Collect before you direct” or “Connection before Direction”.
Before we give instruction, advice, or correction — we must first connect.
This is especially important when your child’s prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, empathy, and impulse control) is still under construction — often well into their 20s. That means emotional regulation doesn’t come naturally. It must be co-regulated with a calm, connected adult.
When we try to lead without collecting (or connecting) first, we get resistance. But when we lead from relationship, something shifts. The “green light” comes on — as Todd put it — and our children become open to our guidance again.
You Are Not Too Late
So what if you feel like your teen or young adult is already peer-oriented?
What if you’ve made mistakes, lost your temper, or feel like you’ve lost the connection?
You're not alone — and it’s not too late.
Todd reminded us that repair is one of the most powerful parenting tools we have. Our kids don’t need us to be perfect. They need us to be present. To take responsibility. To come back and say, “I see you. I love you. I want to reconnect.”
From Conflict to Connection
Whether you’re in the middle of power struggles or simply longing for a deeper bond with your child, the first step is always the same: Reconnect.
Not through pressure.
Not through punishment.
But through presence.
Slow down. Make eye contact. Be warm when they walk into the room. Build attachment in small, quiet moments. The behavior will follow.
In Todd’s words:
“We’ve turned parenting into a series of techniques. But what kids need most is not strategy — it’s relationship.”
Let’s Keep Going — Together
This journey isn’t about being perfect. It’s about becoming a safe place again — one moment at a time.
If you want support as you rebuild connection with your teen or young adult, I’d love to walk with you. Reach out for coaching, or subscribe to The FOCUS Podcast where we unpack these themes weekly.
You matter to your child — more than you know. Let’s make that connection stronger than ever.
🌿 Ready to Reconnect With Your Teen?
My 4-week private coaching course — From Conflict to Connection — is open for enrollment, but only for a few more days!
🕓 Doors close Sunday, July 20, and I only have a couple of spots left. If you’ve been feeling stuck, disconnected, or overwhelmed in your parenting journey, this is your chance to get personalized, compassionate support.
🎥 Start by watching my free 10-minute video at:
👉 peacefulheartjourney.com/parent-teen-reconnect
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Let’s rebuild the connection — together.💛
