Why Confidence Feels So Elusive (And How to Finally Build It)

When you think about people you admire, chances are confidence is one of the first qualities that comes to mind.

Maybe it’s the co-worker who speaks up in meetings with ease.
The friend who always seems comfortable in her own skin.
Or the leader who makes decisions without second-guessing.

From the outside, it looks effortless. But what if I told you that confidence rarely feels effortless at the beginning?

In fact, confidence is almost always born from discomfort.

The Myth That Holds Us Back

So many of us delay opportunities because we think confidence is supposed to show up first.

• “Once I feel more confident, then I’ll sign up for that class.”

• “Once I’m confident, then I’ll speak up in my relationship.”

• “Once I feel sure, then I’ll go after my dream.”

But the truth? Confidence is the byproduct of doing those exact things scared.

Think about the toddler learning to walk. She doesn’t wait until she feels confident to take her first steps. She wobbles, falls, and cries, but she keeps trying. That’s how walking becomes second nature.

Confidence isn’t the fuel at the start of the journey, it’s the evidence you collect along the way.

A Personal Story: Building Peaceful Heart Journey

When I decided to start my coaching practice, Peaceful Heart Journey, I didn’t feel confident at all.

I questioned myself constantly: What if no one listens? What if I fail? What if I’m not good enough?

Recording my first podcast episode felt terrifying. Creating my first course felt overwhelming. Putting my work out into the world felt vulnerable in ways I hadn’t expected.

But I showed up anyway. Not with confidence (because I didn’t have it yet) but with courage.

And each time I kept going, even when it felt shaky, I built a little more evidence that I could do this.

That’s where the confidence came from…not before I started, but because I started.

Everyday Places We Build Confidence Without Realizing It

When I talk with clients, they often overlook the confidence they’ve already built. Here are some ordinary ways you’ve been practicing this skill:

• Parenting: You didn’t know how to be a mom or dad before your first child arrived. You figured it out through sleepless nights, trial and error, and showing up again the next day.

• Cooking: Remember your first attempt at making a meal from scratch? It probably wasn’t perfect. But now, you can throw ingredients together without even measuring.

• Technology: Think back to the first time you used a smartphone. It felt overwhelming. Now? You swipe, tap, and FaceTime like it’s second nature.

These aren’t small examples. They’re proof that confidence is something you build, not something you wait for.

The Real Secret: Small, Courageous Steps

Here’s the piece most people skip over: confidence begins with courage, not certainty.

Sometimes courage is applying for a job you’re not 100% qualified for.
Sometimes it’s saying “no” to a commitment you don’t have the capacity for.
Sometimes it’s opening up to a friend about how you’re really doing.

Every time you choose courage, you’re laying another brick in the foundation of confidence.

And the best part? The step doesn’t have to be huge. The smallest move forward still counts.

Lower the Pressure, Speed the Progress

One reason confidence feels so hard to come by is because we raise the stakes too high.

We tell ourselves:

• “This decision has to be the right one.”

• “If I fail, it means I’m not capable.”

• “If I don’t succeed, people will think less of me.”

That pressure paralyzes us.

But what if you treated each step like an experiment?

Instead of, “I have to get this right,” try: “Let’s see what happens.”

That shift makes courage easier and confidence follows more quickly than you’d expect.

A Challenge for You

Think about one area of your life where you’ve been waiting to “feel confident” before moving forward.

What’s one small, courageous step you could take this week?

Send the email. Ask the question. Sign up for the class. Speak the boundary.

Because here’s the truth: confidence isn’t waiting for you at the start line.

It’s waiting at the finish line. On the other side of courage.

If confidence feels out of reach right now, you’re not broken. You’re simply in the middle of the process.

Sometimes it takes a coach to help you see where you already have courage, and where consistency will unlock the results you’re looking for. That’s why I offer free 30-minute coaching calls. A chance for us to talk through what’s holding you back and create a simple plan you can use right away.

You can grab a spot here: peacefulheartjourney.com/freecoaching.

Confidence isn’t something you’re missing. It’s something you’re building.

Let’s do it together.