The Hidden Power of Choosing Your Feelings (And How It Can Transform Your Relationship with Your Teen)

Have you ever felt stuck in a cycle of frustration, guilt, or helplessness when it comes to parenting your teen?

You're not alone. Most parents I work with come to me feeling emotionally overwhelmed — not because they don’t love their teen, but because they feel powerless to shift the emotional tone in their home.

What if I told you that your power lies in a place you might not expect?

You Can Choose Your Feelings

In my FOCUS coaching model, the “C” stands for Choose Your Feelings.
It’s a step that surprises many parents, because it’s easy to believe our emotions are automatic reactions to how our teens behave.

But the truth is this: your feelings are created by your thoughts, not your teen’s actions.
And that means you hold the key to how you feel, no matter what’s going on around you.

The Science Behind Emotional Awareness: Gottman’s Influence

The Gottman Institute (best known for its decades of relationship research) emphasizes the importance of emotional regulation and repair in healthy relationships, including those between parents and teens.

One powerful insight from their research is this:

"Emotion coaching" — where parents validate, name, and guide emotions — is one of the most effective ways to help kids (and teens!) develop emotional intelligence.

But here’s the catch: you can’t coach what you haven’t mastered.

If you're overwhelmed, reactive, or shut down, your teen learns those emotional patterns. But when you model emotional awareness — by choosing your feelings intentionally — you’re building trust and emotional safety in your relationship.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman also found that when parents stay emotionally regulated during conflict, their children feel more emotionally secure and connected — even during disagreements.

That’s a powerful reminder: you don’t have to be perfect — just present and intentional.

A Real-Life Example

Let’s say your teen storms off and slams their bedroom door. You might instantly feel disrespected or hurt. That’s valid.

But instead of reacting, try asking:

What am I thinking right now?
What feeling do I want to choose instead?

Maybe your new thought is:

“This is about their emotional overwhelm, not about me.”

With that shift, you might feel empathy instead of anger — and that one shift changes how you respond.

Next Step: Understand Your Actions

Once you’ve chosen how you want to feel, the next step is to understand your actions.
This is the “U” in my FOCUS framework, and it’s where real transformation happens.

Because every action you take (raising your voice, walking away, offering a hug, setting a boundary) is fueled by a feeling. And when you choose that feeling intentionally, you give yourself the power to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting on autopilot.

Ask yourself:

What do I tend to do when I feel this way?
What do I want to do differently next time?

Understanding your patterns isn’t about judgment — it’s about curiosity and change.
When you become aware of your automatic responses, you can start to shift them in ways that build connection rather than conflict.

Why It Matters for Your Parent-Teen Relationship

When you learn to choose your feelings and understand your actions:

• You create emotional safety, even in hard conversations.

• You model emotional intelligence your teen can learn from.

• You build trust, empathy, and lasting connection.

And this is just a small part of what we practice in my new course…

Online Private 8-week Course: From Conflict to Connection

Opens in June! LIMITED SPOTS AVAILABLE!

Get on the waitlist to reserve your spot now! You can learn more about it HERE.

If you’re ready to stop the reactive cycle and build a more peaceful, connected relationship with your teen, this course was made for you.

You’ll learn how to walk through every step of the FOCUS model — including how to choose your feelings, understand your actions, and show up with confidence and compassion in your parenting.

🧡 Learn more about the course HERE & Join the Waitlist here →

Final Thought:

You don’t need your teen to behave differently in order to feel better.
Start by choosing your next feeling — and taking one thoughtful action in a new direction.
This is where connection begins.